Understanding Teens – The Second Family

October 26th, 2008

I do not guarantee any treatment or interventions’ effectiveness or safety. It is imperative to seek a therapists assistance when implementing structural changes to your family.

To some, understanding their teen may seem like an unobtainable dream… In reality, teens today know how to access their feelings and are more willing to share them with their family than ever before. No, not your family, with THEIR family.

Their friends are their family. They are the “The Second Family” – a term coined by Ron Toffel.

To understand today’s teen, we look to the past

As American society has drifted towards two income and one-parent households over the past five decades, teens found themselves left in the confusing position of fending for themselves. Nature abhors a vacuum, and we inadvertently created one – so something had happen.  This is where the Second Family steps in: teens raising teens.  Unfortunately, teens are still too young (don’t try to tell them this) to raise themselves.

We have left the single most confusing and difficult time in our lives to be guided by others experiencing the exact same intense emotions and thoughts.  When a teen provides advice, they rarely possess the perspective necessary to make well informed choices for themselves. To me, this seems like a dangerous road.

This is by no means a slight towards teens, it is a simple fact of nature: the pre-frontal cortex (executive functioning) has not completed wiring itself.  Physically, teens appear fully developed. Yet, their brains still have over five years before the wiring job is completed. Current research shows that a brain is fully “functional” in most people between the ages of 22 and 24.

Although your family may not fit the above description, over fifty-percent of teens find themselves needing the Second Family to help raise them. That means that half of your teens friends.

Who is the Second Family?

The Second Family consists of their friends – both in and out of school, their older siblings, virtual friends (x-box live, chat, World of Warcraft, etc), safe adults (i.e.: not you), video games, and all sorts of other modern, non-traditional friendships. The Second Family supports the varying and intense emotional and socializing support required to grow into adults.

Friends in the Second Family apply intense downward pressure when someone exceeds their social status. They are the caring ear required when breaking up, when you “just won’t listen,” when they’re failing a class, or when their secret crush starts dating their other best friend. The Second Family protects them from others, as well. Second Families are the social norm.

How does this help me understand my teen?

During my work with teens, most have said at one time or another that they wish their parents “understood them better,” while others tell me emphatically that they “don’t care what their parents think, say or do.” Although both of these viewpoints are extreme, teens experience life in this intense way. After lots of time together, the teen and I usually find a deep, well hidden reservoir of hurt feelings and resentment.

When saying this teens are transmitting the message, ‘No one can SEE who I really am” as well as, “don’t look at me – I hurt too much!”

Exploring the depth of these comments – what your teen may be saying is this, “The people in charge of me can’t really see how confused I really feel – and I’m TERRIFIED.”  If your family does not have open lines of communication, your teen will NOT ever want to admit to feeling terrified and alone. Most people do not wan to admit when they’re out of options and that they need help.

When we are out of options, anger arises, hoping to cover up fear. If you and your teen have been fighting for years, they will not even think of coming to you when they are out of options, and need help. Yet, these are the moments when, as parents, we can truly affect their happiness and well being.

Think about your own life. Do you always know what to do? How to act? Where to go for help? As parents with thirty + years of life experience, we still get it wrong sometimes. I often times forget to ask for help. American society teaches us that asking for help is weak and ineffectual. If this is true, how can we blame our teens for not knowing, when they are being raised by other teens?!

That’s great information, so what do I have to do?

Luckily, only a few new steps need to be added to your daily routine to help reconnect with your teen. This is only a first step, and may not be successful in all situations.

All humans have the innate ability to validate and connect with one another. One way to do this is by remembering how tough adolescence was, both on our bodies and our souls. Knowing that teens, by and large, do not feel “seen,” we must find new ways to show them we understand them. Moving to ‘understand’ your teen may simply mean showing them that you see (and do not judge) how confused they are.

To give this gift to your teen – though they will be wary at first- you can provide the safety they need to feel, through the First Family: your family.

A great way to provide teens safety is to offer  ‘hearing’ space. Allow them a 10 or 15 minute venting session once a day. During this time, they get 100% of your undivided attention during this session. You are allowed to ask objective, non-judgmental questions, but that is all. During this time, they get to tell YOU what is going on with them: whether they are angry, sad, or happy – a time that is completely uncensored by you.

For the first few weeks, you’ll hear a lot of anger, resentment and frustration. As the steam slowly lets off, and, as they learn to trust that you will not judge, the time can turn into a constructive moments of communication.

You can set up your own rules for the time that work for both of you (in collobration). However, there must be ABSOLUTELY NO PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL OR VERBAL ABUSE by anyone.

Final Thoughts

As with all things, this takes time. You and your teen are likely suffering from years of mutual neglect tinged anger and resentment.

The first step is to talk to your teen while you’re not fighting. Let them know that things are not working the way they are now, so something MUST change. Recognize (admit) that you’re human, and therefore, fallible -  and that you are going to make some personal changes. Showing this type of personal bravery to your children teaches them two things:

1) its ok to make a mistake, and

2) that you are NOT the enemy

Here are some questions to consider and discuss with your teen?

  • How does this change benefit my teen? The family? The parent?
    • Be open and honest
  • What can you expect as things change?
    • Create a very clear picture of what you want – and know what your teen expects.
  • What teens are looking out for? (I smell a rat)
    • Teens may think you’re trying to trick them. You are not. You are trying to listen to them. Only time will prove this.
  • How to intercede in the 2nd family?
    • What will you do if you find out your teens friends are doing drugs? Having sex? Bullies? Being bullied? Street racing? Figure this out BEFORE it happens. Surprised parents are angry parents.
  • Where to go for help. This is imperative.

Good Luck!

(Please do not copy or use this writing without my express written consent)

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judging and our ability to feel satisfaction

October 16th, 2008

Reading “The Mindful Way Through Depression”, I came across a thought that makes a lot of sense to me. It has to do with the way I meditate. Though I’ve been “mindful” for years now, something seemed to not be clicking. Although I’m theoretically ok with the body state that I feel ‘at the moment’, I often thought that there was a part to my meditation that was lacking. Numerous teachers and hundreds of readings have said what this book says,  but today I lived the  ‘AH-HA’ moment.

Things slipped into place when I read this: “Our judging, if not held in awareness, [may] be exactly what is preventing us from seeing clearly in this moment and from being okay with things as they are”. (p84)

My realization: I continue to subtly judge every moment of my life, be it meditating or other. If you reread the first paragraph, you’ll notice that I was subtly judging my own mediation practice… that there was something ‘not clicking’.

Expounding on this idea, I see that the key to achieving satisfaction in life is to drop the noose of judgement. Of course, satisfaction is not necessarily happiness. It is the feeling that things are simply OK, that things will be ok, and if we can drop the rope (the judging aspect of ourselves), we walk through life in acceptance. I believe acceptance is bliss.

This is the cornerstone of my happiness (or unhappiness, as the case may be). Without the feeling that things are basically ‘ok’, depression, anxiety and other maladies set in.

Reversing this idea, we see that if we remain judgemental about ourselves, our situations, our friends, loves, lovers and family: by definination, we must remain unfulfilled. Think about a time when you felt satisfaction, with a job well done, or with with a friend that surprised you – we love surprises because no judgement exists when we are truly surprised… we experience life at the moment – the key to mindful living.

Take this moment, and watch your thoughts. Are you judging them? Are you judging yourself? Your partner? Your child? Work? Traffic? Music? Thoughts? Actions? Deeds?

And try to remember: Knowing that you are judging and NOT judging that thought may help set you free from oppressive, non-constructive behavoirs.

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permeable… a state of being

June 30th, 2008

Today is like most days. My morning begins at 6:12 am with 20-30 minutes of sitting meditation. My cushion is outside, and there is a chill in the air. The pranna timer burns incense slowly, releasing its aroma and mingling with the cold air I breathe.

I am tired. So tired. I can feel the exhaustion in every fiber of my body. When I’m this tired, I know that I can float through the next 30 minutes, and “sit and sleep”, fooling myself into believing I am meditating.

Or, I can choose to be an active participant in my meditation.

I choose to be an active participant.

I do not wait. I snap 100% of my attention to this in breath. My experience of the air, sound, sensations, smells are vivid; almost surreal. The senses are alight and alive. I feel the cells of my body paying attention to the moment. This moment. The only moment we have. I am fully awake and aware and lose the sense of the border between my inner and outer worlds. This is a common experience, and one that sometimes is scary, and at other times, joyful. I am permeable.

After a few seconds (40, perhaps) of this vivid experience, my thinking brain takes over, and I meander through mundane thoughts (not that I’m judging my thoughts at the time, of course). I stumble upon a memory of something I jotted down during my first semester of grad school.

While listening to Jung’s theories on how humans are connected to one another… islands above the ocean of connection below what we can’t (or chose?) not to see. He wrote that we are actually bound like land masses beneath the surface of perception to one another. Jung phrased this connection as the collective unconscious, and believed that it is possible for us to bring some of it to consciousness by paying attention to our inner lives (vs. running from it).

I think back to that class, where I dropped out of class and into my mind. I realize now that it was excited at the concept. While I’ve often connected to people in a way science could not (or would not) explain, I realize now that it may be because the thinking mind was unable to label it… and therefore, would not entertain this ‘irrational and unnecessary’ train of unproven thought.

Now, with a label and somewhere to fit the idea into my consciousness, I explore how this ‘truth’ can be applied to my own life. How, when I say to someone, ‘You seem so familiar’, it may be because our consciousnesses reside close to one another in the collective unconscious.  If what Jung says is true, we are permeable beings, and it is our beliefs that separate us from the energy the collective unconscious offers.

When we exist solely as individuals (or within ourselves) we are destitute. Alone and afraid, human beings who do not experience the connectedness and spirituality of God (i.e.: collective unconscious) are isolated in a way that human energy is unable to pierce.

From the simple act of becoming porous, we find happiness. Being open to the belief that we are a PART of everything, and vice-versa, we begin to unlock the door to the unconscious. When the door is opened, it is possible to live in the moment, as a part of the world, not as a separate thought. In reality, the only thing that keeps us separate from ‘the world’ is our thoughts. They are the tyrants of happiness.

From this idea, I began drawing the energy flows of ‘unhappy’ vs. ‘happy’ people. What I believe is that when we are unhappy, our own, self generated energy stays within us due to our impermeable boundaries. The energy bounces around within us, much like a ball on a pool table, with no-where to go. Yet, when we are happy, we live more openly to new ideas, thoughts and beliefs. Our energy then flows and interacts with our natural environment, thereby sharing energy both internally and externally.

More simply:  When we are ‘closed’ to the outside energy, we cannot be renewed. Our internal energy is of low grade.  While it works, it does not provide the sustenance we require to feel fully engaged with our environment, and therefore, feel happy. I believe this is why people who ‘find God’ (which is really silly, because God is everything, and everywhere – its hard to miss God!) they experience life in a new and more fulfilling way.  When we live with the energy of the world, God, Buddah; whatever you happen to call ‘the source’; we are freed. This does not mean we will live in bliss, but in an enlarged (read: enlightened) way.

Living in a permeable state, I believe, is healthy. Letting our surroundings lead us, guide us, share with us the lifeforce of our planet, leads to a fulfilling life.

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